O9-22-06
Dear Jack,
Hey, man. My girlfriend is wonderful, but she
doesn't want me to drink with my friends. And
that's pretty much all my friends want to do when
we get together. I'm not picking up other girls,
I'm not fighting, I'm not even out very late when
we do drink, but she's making a big deal about
this. Why is she acting like this?
B to the F
XOXO
Dear Btothef,
The reason your girl is acting like this is quite
clear to me. She is, as many girls are, a girl.
Girls cannot stand the thought that other people in
life can make you happy. They need to be
constantly reassured that the only reason your
continue to breath is so that you can talk to her
and only her. I believe there is a solution
though. Since all that is really upsetting her is
that you are enjoying yourself, you could still go
out with your friends -- but drink only non-
alcoholic beer. It has none of the alcohol and
contains only about 1/3rd the fun of normal beer.
Thanks for the letter!
Jack "This is the end" M
____________________________________
Dear Jack,
I am a 21 year old girl, going to college. I am in
a wonderful relationship with a great guy. I love
him very much, but no matter what, I just can't
orgasm when we're intimate. What can my boyfriend
do to help?
Curious Co-ed
XOXO
Dear -ed,
Personally, I have never felt the female orgasm was
all that vital to the process.
Thanks for the letter!
Jack "Is this it?" M
________________________________________
Dear Jack,
I'm thinking of dropping out of High School. What
was school like for you?
Guitar Hero
XOXO
Dear Hero,
Honestly, I am the ultimate success story. While I
was too cool to stay enrolled in the county High
School, I have gone on to purchase degrees in
Alienology and Crime fighting. I am currently
saving up for a Ph.D. in Astrology so I can go to
the moon. If you can't tell from talking to me just
how educated I am, you are dumb and should stay in
school forever.
Thanks for the letter!
Jack "I wish the car were under my control" M
________________________________________________
Dear Jack,
What should I get my husband for his birthday? I
just can't read him.
Housewife for hubby
XOXO
Dear Housewife,
Guys don't want things, unless those things are
liquor or a piece of ass. Unless he's gay, he
would probably appreciate a blowjob. And for god's
sake, swallow. It's in your mouth even longer if
you run to the bathroom, you're just being dumb.
Thanks for the letter!
Jack "Take a bow" M
___________________________________________
Dear Jack,
Why are you such a racist?
I hate you
XOXO
Dear I hate you,
I am not a racist. I very clearly preface all of
my sentences with "I'm not a racist, but..."
Thanks for the letter!
Jack "I'm not dead" M
____________________________________________
The following are from a FAQ I wrote up. I
actually didn't write it, I stole it from
NatalieDee when Jeremy was fighting with
toothpastefordinner, but I didn't have the heart to
make fun of her. So I dropped some of the
questions and added a few.
Q: What do you use to make your drawings?
A: I usually just piss on the floor and a take a
picture of it.
Q: How do you make your paintings?
A: See above.
Q: Where do you get the ideas for your drawings?
A: When I was very, very young, my neighbour
touched me repeatedly. No one believed me, and to
this day, I cut myself hoping to bleed him out of
me.
Q: Will you draw a logo for my business/a mascot
for my sports team/a comic for my magazine/etc?
A: I will do anything for booze.
Q: What about album covers?
A: Only if you are a gaggle of underage Japanese
girls. That is really all I am interested in
anymore. (Koreans and Thai are also fine.)
Q: Can I commission a painting or custom drawing?
A: I will not piss on the floor for fewer than 3
liters of whiskey.
If you are a Japanese girl, your virginity is worth
at least two liters of whiskey, so you will need to
provide about another liter of whiskey in trade.
Q: Hey, tell me everything about you, including
everything about your family.
A: See the question about ideas for my drawings.
That pretty much governs my actions and ideas, and
has done so my entire life.
Q: I sent in a question for Ask Jack, and it did
not get answered. When are you going to answer it??
A: Who the fuck do I look like, Sidney Poitier? I
speak French, you should lay down that ass for me,
bitch.
Q: Where do you live?
A: Japan. But don't think I can't find your
mother.
Q: What is the best part of Japanese food?
A: Fucking nothing. They eat squids and shrimp-
burgers. The best part of Japanese cuisine is
China-town in Yokohama.
Q: What is Sapporo beer made of?
A: That is a trick question. Beer is made of hops
and barley, while Sapporo beer is not. It is made
from vegetables, actually. The guy at the Osakeya
(liquor store) explained this to me when I bought
my last case of beer, but it was in Japanese, and I
didn't care to memorize it.
Q: Why do you hate everyone you have ever met (and
even those you will never meet?)
A: Do I come off that way? I don't hate everyone.
Just you.
Q: How did you become a master of the English
language?
A: I assure you it was not through any sort of
effort. I have never tried for anything in my
entire life.
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